the back burner

tired and annoyed

oooh, isn't THAT a fun title?

realization of the day: i do not respond well to manipulation. it clouds my vision to the point that i cannot see the important landmarks around me and i consequently make poor decisions. i end up in omaha (from whence linnea recently returned), when i should be in guadalupe. guadalupe is a place of excitement and activity, while omaha, as we all know, is a place of corn.

so, yeah, whether they mean to do it or not, i'm being manipulated by friends and colleagues and random pedestrians. add to that the fact that i'm tired of being in touch with the most important people in my life only through long-distance means. add to that the fact that i'm physically and emotionally tired.

it equals a high propensity to be annoyed by the fine folks around me. EASILY annoyed. (if you're one of those people, i probably owe you an apology.) grr. i suppose i'm just afraid of ending up back in the omaha, which is where i began just a few months ago. guadelupe or bust!

by the way, i've never really been to these places. they just have fun names. like bangalore, where my friend hope lives right now. or like zaventem, where i live. or gein, where i spent last weekend and the first part of this week.

on to less figurative matters: today i was walking to the train station with ag, jg, and jl. we stopped to look at some scarves for sale, and then i was arrested by an entire shop full or art books. the place was slam full of volumes on neo-impressionism, the federal art projet in america, belgium and congolese art, the oriental myth in european art, moorish architecture, and the like. then there were books of art, just for looking or for coffee table decoration, and books that qualified as art all by themselves, without opening the cover.

i looked up to find that the two girls had slipped into a little catholic church. i followed with jg and a little man opened the door for us. his hair and moustache were dark like his eyes, and he peered intently at us as we entered. we spent a few moments sitting quietly in the sanctuary, praying and thinking about the modern-style stained glass windows. you could just make out human forms beneath and around and through the red and blue and green triangles. they looked broken and blurry.

on our way out, the same dark man opened the door for us again, eyes lowered and hand raised for a tip. i wish i didn't see people in terms of their clothes. his were well-used and mismatched - the first thing i thought of when i saw his hand. ashamed, i offered him a little money and touched his arm.

living in europe is getting old. i love it, but it is difficult to live away from the poverty. i am so privileged that sometimes it feels impossible to connect with anyone who isn't. sigh. we all face poverty at deep levels of our being. some people are blessed with the material means to cover up that poverty with physical comfort and beauty. some aren't. c'est la vie, pour la plupart.

Posted by nickles at July 15, 2004 05:37 PM