the back burner

thinking about thinking

Today I expect to finish a Graham Greene story made for film: The Third Man. Very enjoyable and written with a healthy sense of scene and visual storyline. The story takes place in post-war Vienna. When I read it and listen to certain piano music, the walls of Chattanooga don't seem so close and overhwhelming.

Isn't it odd how we long for someplace OTHER? I say that little word "we," thinking that I am not alone in this occasional hunger for someplace where the people are more interesting, our job is more fulfilling, our neighborhood is more exotic, money is easily had, sin is less of a problem. I'm not sure if I'm surprised at how often we think along these lines, or at how infrequently... But all the same, the folks I respect the most try to live their lives as if their current milieu is or is becoming that certain someplace. What does THAT require?

I am suddenly afraid. The music has ended. The Viennese cinematic scenery has faded, and so have my romantic thoughts about living in Chattanooga. I'm afraid that if I try to live like those lovely, community-minded people, I will eventually be consumed by this place. I mean, isn't it important to keep poking one's head up from the dense fog of place and look around to somewhere else? What if I pour myself into this community while I'm here and it soaks me up? Will I have more to give, later on, somewhere else?

This is the point, of course, where I normally give myself a stern talking-to about walking by faith and avoiding overanalysis. And normally I stop thinking on the meta-level about anything at all, for about 24 hours. But I need something more substantial than a thought-patch for this leaking hull. I need to grasp the importance of faithful living even in the daily, detailed investments of my life: Romano's Macaroni Grill, my housemate, my next-door neighbors, life at the RP, college buddies, long-distance loved ones. Chattanooga is not a prison, but an investment ground where I plant and water my relationships with gospel-living. The next investment field will no doubt look different, but my confidence in future investments lies not in ME but in future grace from the Lord. Isn't that what we sing about? "...and grace will lead me home?"

Yeah. My thinking needs a shift, not an avoidance pattern that focuses only upon the positive. Taking every thought captive is harder than I thought it would be, at 22 and without immediate prospects for international travel and exotic ministry opportunities. The fear, I suppose, is that I am (or am perceived as?) dead in the water. But I'm not. I'm learning from those aforementioned lovely ones. I'm reading. I'm praying. I'm earning money. That is enough for now, simply because the Lord gets to teach me obedience. And I get to learn, background music or no. It has to be enough.

Culture shock (the re-entry variety) + leaving academia + working for an hourly wage = some kind of identity crisis along the lines of a mild post-partum depression. I'm beginning to comprehend the importance of words like Abiding. Deferment. Significance. Abundance. Content. Waiting. Faith. Hope. Love.