the back burner

open letter to my roommate

Dear Roommate,

Here (in brief) is the tale I was trying to tell tonight. I fear you have been very reckless in your word choice, perhaps buying into systems of thought of which you were unaware. This is troublesome, but luckily you have a clever and compassionate teammate. (Me.)

(read on...)

Tonight I heard you talk about lettered spaces, unlettered spaces and visitor spaces. Whenever you spoke, you seemed to equate unlettered spaces with visitor spaces. Technically, this is incorrect. The letter from the Haverhill community association clearly stated that parking has become an issue of concern amongst our neighbors. To help things out a bit, they reminded all residents that each unit was allotted one (1) lettered space and one (1) unlettered space. That brings our vehicle total to two (1+1 = 2). So far, so good. Now, the first problem arises in the very next thought of the aforementioned association. They tell us that there is a third group of parking spaces known as "visitor parking," and request that all visitor vehicles and extra resident vehicles remain here when not in use. The problem is clear: are these spaces considered lettered or unlettered?

Our argument tonight was really not fair, my friend. You see, I have done a little side research of which I was prevented (through excess talk on your part or neglect on mine, I know not) of making you aware. What was this research, you may ask? Well, I set out to discover this mysterious visitor parking area. I soon found a strip of spaces where my car is now parked, labelled with a white, green-lettered sign that reads: Visitor Parking. Lo, I looked about me and there was great confusion. The spaces here were unlettered! Now, what was I to think? I have since come to the following conclusion: There are generally two types of assigned spaces: lettered and unlettered. Extra vehicles, according to the powers that be here in Haverhill, must park in an unassigned space known as visitor parking. Therefore, I am forced to conclude that the visitor parking spaces exist as a third category. Although technically unlettered, they are a third category in themselves.

At this point, the discussion turns a bit. Given that there are three categories of spaces here in the Haverhill subdivision, where ought we to park? This question, as you can see, is a different but nonetheless related one. To my way of thinking, there are two options. Either parking in a visitor space is a matter of discovering unused spaces or it is a matter of discovering spaces assigned to visitors. Once again, we are not helpless. We are not thrown carelessly upon the horns of indecision, as orphans are tossed capriciously by wicked fate into the arms of whatever master will begrudge them bread. No, we have come to the land that flows with milk and honey, the goodly land of reason. Two important tools have been given us. As for the first, we know that there is an economic difference between the "unlettered but assigned" parking space and the "assigned specifically for visitors but incidentally unlettered" parking space, this cautiously-reasoned point having been previously enumerated. As for the second, we have a handy sign of designation, a white one with green letters.

Let us take these tools in hand to discover the truth of where we ought to park. Perhaps, as I have said, determining where to park our "extra vehicles," is merely a matter of discovering unused and unlettered spaces. Were this true, it would suggest that the unlettered spaces that dot our shared parking lot are all, in fact, up for grabs, and that there is no great concern over how many total spaces each unit uses. It would also seem to suggest that the Haverhill community association has gone to a great deal of unneccessary trouble by painting any letters on spaces at all, not to mention the construction and careful placement of a white, green-lettered sign that reads: Visitor Parking.

On the other hand, perhaps determining where to park our "extra vehicles," is a matter of looking for an area assigned to visitors and -- if we're lucky -- even designated as such. Given the space lettering and visitor parking sign, I sense that this hypothesis correlates much more accurately with the truth.

In any event, the needs of our neighbors -- none of whom are as young, spy, good-looking, and brilliant as yourself -- are best served by exercising our legs a bit and placing our vehicles in the far country with the white, green-lettered sign that reads: Visitor Parking. Why park more closely simply because, by the slimmest of odds, we may be right in so doing? Although we may *possibly* have the law on our side, we will likely earn a perceived reputation (deserved or undeserved, it matters little) of inconveniencer and parking-monger, very like unto the Jewish money-lenders of Elizabethan England. And what is more, the law is likely to be against parking nigh unto our house.

Sigh. All this talk of England has me using a higher register of language than previously intended. I trust it will pose no difficulty for you, dear reader. The hour has come for my retirement, as my frail frame prepares itself for another day, administering unto itself the sweet draught of sleep. I shall most likely post these thoughts upon my blog, for the tender wits that visit there. Feel free to respond in kind, my brother. No need to thank me. I shall see you tomorrow.

Very Reasonably Yours,
Bob

Posted by nickles at March 22, 2005 01:07 AM