the back burner

boring old reflection

OK, I need to grab a few spare moments and think about something "out loud." Yesterday Teammate #2 and I drove back to Atlanta form St. Louis. On the way, we managed to stop in Chattanooga for about an hour to eat dinner. I had a good talk with Mike about sin and whatnot, which primed me for another good talk with Teammate after dinner, on the way home.

So I'm wondering about relationships, of course. (That seems to be what I'm always thinking about...) I find myself being afraid of being alone. Being alone makes me anxious on some deep level. My hunch is that I draw too deep a sense of worth from the people around me. When I'm with others, I'm strong and confident. When I'm alone (or maybe with a certain kind of introvert), I don't get that sense of worth. I doubt, struggle, etc.

While chatting with John about this stuff, I begin to realize that wanting people-centered approval has made me downplay the importance of relational discrimination in my life. I don't discriminate! I somehow feel as if having a casual conversation with a passing stranger automatically obligates me to pursue a serious friendship with them. End result: when I could be spending more intentional, face-to-face time facing insecurities in the context of a small circle of close friends, I choose instead to spin my wheels trying to keep up with a vast sea of surface relationships. All the sin and doubt and insecurity builds up and boils over when I'm all by myself.

SO... what to do? My situation is soon changing to include more time alone, less access to close friends, and more cross-cultural stress. Er, um, well. Shoot. I mean, discriminating between relationship time with one person or another so that I can cultivate solid relationships is only a surface solution. It treats the symptoms, but the issue is finding worth in Christ.

Bill just informed me that despite its name, the porkbutt does not come from the rear of the hog, but from the shoulder. Sometimes, it takes a little bbq terminology quiz to draw a person back form the allure of the navel.