i just heard dr. nick barker has a progressive cancer and that he's going downhill. how can this be? i don't like it. a friend on facebook posted a list of 41 aphorisms he gave in a 2004 speech, along with an update on his health. i read it all very slowly.
a person like this going out of the world suddenly seems to up the stakes for the rest of us. we've known that we're all dying since we were young, of course, that people are getting older and that we're going to lose the things that they have to teach us. when that time starts to get closer, though, it always seems to shake us.
i've been feeling this way for awhile, really, because of a family member's health. but the news about dr. barker brought all that to the surface, maybe because i hadn't had awhile to get used to it. we always pray for healing and commit our loved ones to the lord's keeping. even so, we still tense up when someone calls us out of the blue with that "bad news" tone in their voice. with me, there's a little bit of guilt like there was something i could have been doing which i've neglected to do, a little bit of anxiety like there's some responsibility i should now take upon myself for the situation, and a little bit of self-centered fear – what does this mean for me? none of that seems very consistent with the faith i profess.
what is there to do? what do you say when you call? do you talk about them as if it's all over? do you root for them in the teeth of the evidence? do you pick up and move to where they are? do you make them food? i know what my theology has to say about this, and i'm clinging to those things. but right now i just want to know what's the best way to honor someone you love when things are coming to a close.
Posted by nickles at May 28, 2007 10:28 AM | TrackBackHey, Bob. My family has been getting some updates from Mrs. Barker because my parents are pretty good friends with Dr. and Mrs. Barker. The chemo so far has been going well (though exhausting, of course). He is planning a trip in September. Of course, he really could use all the prayers he can get, but things are not quite as dire (yet) as your post makes it sound. Please pray in hope.
Posted by: funke at May 28, 2007 10:51 AMPS Would you be able to post those aphorisms on your blog...or send them by email? I would like to read them...
Posted by: funke at May 28, 2007 06:55 PMI say:
fix them food
clean their house
give them rides
wash their dishes
vacuum their floors
do tasks that take the weight of daily life off their shoulders so that they can bear the weight of the river jordan.
Thanks, Sarah. I am engaging in hearsay, at least in part, so I'm glad for your more informed input. I think I'm mostly expressing frustration at the long, difficult road my grandfather has been walking for quite some time, in which it seems every positive milestone is followed by setbacks.
I'll copy Dr. Barker's list in another post.
Posted by: at May 29, 2007 05:11 AMi am mulling over another post about my own experiences with failing health in family circles. when my friend posted her facebook post about dr. barker, however, this was my response:
wow, thanks. nick's been one of the people i most wish i could be like. i think of him, from time to time, sitting there surrounded by books in the middle of the psychology department, where his office was while i was a student. i remember that he always paid just as much attention to the words i used as to what i was trying to say.
i don't think he was very often fooled by many students' (including my own) attempts to seem more educated or sensible than we really were, but in a way this was his charity towards us: to take us on our own terms and to teach us on his. i can see him throwing his textbook across the room during Cultural Heritage of the West, humbly bringing a personal submission to our poetry group, or laughing not unkindly at a colleague. for all his talk of being driven by insecurity, i do not think i have ever been half as confident as he is, that appropriate confidence that allows a person to listen well and to speak truly.
he's a great man. i'll be prayin'.
Posted by: bob at May 31, 2007 06:13 PM