the back burner

"and you'll have things you want to talk about..."

Woke up before dawn this morning. It turned out to be one of those days when I later realize the sun is up but can’t remember it rising. The whole sky was full of grey, foamy clouds, from top to bottom and in every direction. At first they were darker, then they got lighter. I sat in traffic eating a banana and wondering how many other people were doing the same thing.

I have a lot of things to talk about. In fact, I’m spending a lot of time talking, lately. There are even people lined up to talk to me: Mike, Krista, Joanna, Jonathan, and Rodney have all left me messages. Thanks, guys. I’ll just hit the highlights here and we can talk about the details later.

For one thing, I managed to get through the end of Luke and begin Acts this morning. I’ve been stuck on the last few chapters of Luke for about a week, really feeling for the apostles and the other disciples during that disorienting time after the crucifixion. After generations without a word from the Lord and after three long years listening to Jesus, they had finally started to believe in him. The two on the Emmaus road owned up to it: “we had hoped he was the one to redeem all Israel.” There’s that mix of honest disappointment and unwillingness to believe the women’s rumors, not unlike how many of us must feel as part of our churches. “You know, I really bought all this. I really believe this stuff, but I sure am sad and hurting, just the same.” So many of us want things to be different, but are afraid to be honest about our disappointments – everyone else seems so happy. Funny (or should I say, comforting) to see how Jesus comes to the disciples and says either: “here’s why I had to suffer” or “here, see my hands and side.” The suffering of Christ is a Fact, a rocky refuge I can hold on to when everyone around me is having positive, joyful, fulfilling experiences.

Then, of course, I get mad. Jesus took them as far as Bethany, raised his hands and blessed them, and ascended into the sky. And his followers were happy! They returned to Jerusalem full of joy. Joy?! Did they think he was coming back in a week? A year? Did they expect to see him again soon? Were they disappointed again, later, after a few years with no triumphant return? I think of them and of all the generations between then and now who have longed for Jesus. The flame of my hope flickers. O Lord, how long? I know it's foolish to ask it, but have you abandoned us? Did you even think twice about leaving them again?

The honest truth, of course, is that I want to possess Jesus. I would have him just for myself. My understanding of love is a devouring love, not a sacrificing love. I want to consume and to take. Jesus came to lay things down and love his enemies. So I’m disappointed again with his distance, but not because I hope for shalom and renewal. It’s because I hope for satisfaction. And owning is so much to be preferred, in my mind, over being owned or anything that has to do with waiting.

So, those are some thoughts about my walk with the Lord. Gotta be honest about them. They play out across my relationships in a dozen different ways.

Today was also the first time I realized Sunset Tree (an album by The Mountain Goats) covers a lot of parent-child relationship ground. It’s not what the album is all about, but I’d have to say it’s a recurring theme. When “Pale Green Things” came on, I choked up. My parents leave the country on Friday. They remind me strongly of sacrificing love, and their presence has kept me out of a lot of denial. I wonder how that looming lack is going to play out. They’re carrying a lot of anxiety with them, over not being able to give to their kids and to their parents. The whole “overseas” relocation stress is definitely a sideshow for them, at this point.

When I moved to the States and they lived in Asia, I was very unprepared for the severity of our separation. I’m not sure what life will be like this time around, as they leave and we (me and the sibs) stay behind. Everyone’s all grown-up now, or near enough. My Mom’s dad is in failing health. Mom’s mom is stressed and exhausted. Dad’s dad is having several tests this week and facing some surgery decisions. Either these are new variables for our family, or it’s the first time I’ve been aware enough to recognize them.

I guess there’s nothing like a good long post to welcome readers back into my life. Hello! Welcome back! For those of you trying to get in touch with me, I admire your patience and persistence. My capacity for communication is growing, albeit slowly. I’ll backpost one or two journal-ish thoughts from January, so look for them in the next few days if you’re curious.

Oh, and anybody recognize the song I stole this post's title from? Anybody? First correct answer wins a prize. Cheers.

Posted by nickles at January 29, 2008 10:03 AM | TrackBack