Sometimes I feel smarter when watching tv, but then the commercials kill the feeling. Sometimes I get behind on emails, and then the sheer mass of them spoils all my motivation. Sometimes I think amazing things during the church service, and "life details" immediately prevent reflection. And the ideas are gone.
There's so much to do. Why on earth did I spend today resting? :) It felt really good, at least. And I'm sure it was good for me.
Tomorrow it's back to the restaurant. Romano's Macaroni Grill is sucking the marrow from my bones, these days, amidst much smacking of the lips and wiping of the mouth. I am being devoured... must... quit... soon...
But on the other hand, it's also like a drug -- I get hooked on money and power very easily. Or maybe it's just the pseudo-approval I get from people who need me EVERY DAY. Who knows?
The lint that gathers slowly on our skin
Is made of unremembered dreams.
Between my toes lie fragments
Of grand events and strokes of luck,
Behind my ears the residue of you.
Snakeskin emotions gather always,
Always dispersing, molting too,
Through abrasion and erosion
On the insides of my jeans,
The teeth of my comb, the dryer,
Eventually floating on the wind of my house
And out to distant, growing fields of corn.
I'm eating them right now. They're leftovers from Saturday, I think. (I'm working too much to notice what people are eating in my house. I only notice the things they've already eaten.) I'm sitting with Evan in the dining room, wondering about my time priorities.
I got really blue about going to the field, all of a sudden. Then Evan said, "So the light at the end of the [support-raising] tunnel is turning out to be another tunnel."
"Yeah," I said, "only this tunnel's got lights."
And it's true -- finishing one really hard thing (a paper, a bachelor's degree, a relationship, a marathon) doesn't mean you're finished dealing with hard things. If anything, it only means you're probably ready for even harder things yet to come. But the old excitement is breaking through the doldrums, I think. After all, Jesus is all I need. Really. Whether I act like it or not.
Wow. I got up early today and I'm definitely feeling that Monday rush. It's something like the excitement before a big date, only my date is with this week and I'm only excited because I have the chance to make a new to-do list that will hopefully get halfway checked off before the next week comes again. Hoorah!
And why on earth did I get mega-spammed? I hardly post anything at all, these days! So maybe I'll post more often and won't get spammed? Oh well.
So I'm rather full. I've spent a lot of time in my car lately, which has meant lots of time with nothing to do but reflect and read road signs. The only image I can come up with for how I feel right now is some gigantic and unfamiliar fruit. There's something good in the middle, but I have to do a lot of peeling to get there. So I'm just turning the fruit round and round, trying to figure out how to open it without squishing the sensations inside. And without hurting my fingers.
I guess I'm like a mangosteen. Only bigger. Or maybe a durian
Part of it comes from being in Chattanooga this weekend. Being there meant talking with giants in my life: Chris, Mike, Ashley, John Gregor, Asha, Ben, Carrie... lots of important people who nearly always have important things to say. I've missed that. I live far from the land of giants. My teammates are not giants. They're growing in their stature in my life, but they are still a mixture of co-workers and friends -- halflings that I love, but whom I do not always Understand.
Another part of it comes from being in Orlando for two days, visiting the Central Florida Presbytery. That particular area includes gigantic churches and gigantic leaders, but nobody showed much interest in us. A few people were cornered into conversation with us, but no one came to examine our display or ask us probing questions. Hmmm. I was a little miffed. Situations like that always tend to make me feel small, self-critical and deflated. But you know what? I know I have a great team. I know the Lord is behind what we're doing. I know that my standing with God allows me the confidence to receive non-acceptance from men. I also know that I was not at my most charitable in Orlando, anyway.
So I will continue to peel and think about how to bring my cognitive theology to bear upon the heart interactions I have with other folks. It probably has something to do with being thankful for the past and walking into the future with a willing attitude, sure of God's love.