the back burner

speaking of rainy days

it's been nice and cold and wet here. perfect thanksgiving weather.

but it didn't last. it's sunny again, ranging from 40 to 70 F.

i'll backpost a little bit, and will be more able to communicate regularly from now on. there were several frantic-activity-reasons for being out of the loop, as i mentioned in my last post, but yesterday i realized there were also a few significant under-the-surface-emotional-reasons for being there. out of the loop is a nice place, truth to tell, where no one can tell you anything you don't already know. but i'd rather not live there.

loop with me, people. loop with me.

(this post is dedicated to JG, by the way, who loves talking about the weather.)

s.w.t.s., part ii

more photos from sales day (and even more in the extended entry, including very scary reindeer and the t-shirt my brother was wearing when we got home. we all agreed with the sentiment.):

shopping with the sister

here's how it started (at 6 am the day after thanksgiving):

...and it continued, with much fun had by both of us. more photos after the jump. oh and note the continued presence of coffee and silly faces, without both of which i'm not sure any of these memories and fantastic christmas purchases could have been possible.

going flat out

Last Thursday, my life went from zero to fifty miles per hour. On Saturday, we bumped it up to seventy-five. Yesterday, I stopped looking at the odometer.

I need to apologize to the people who are suddenly finding themselves on the back burner of my life. Back burners are for ideas or to-do lists, not individuals, right? Even so, I haven't sent the letters I've started writing, called the people who've left me messages, or taken any time for exercise or self-cooked meals. (I even ate MacDonald's for lunch yesterday. It was the closest option. I didn't even park and go inside for my food. I drove-through.)

I'm not complaining, though. I'm seeing and speaking to at least fifty people a day, in person, whereas before I probably spoke to an average of eight a day. So much for being depressed. I'm too distracted to be introspective or melancholy, which probably means I'll just save it up for a rainy day. I'm totally fine with this.

But it means some of you are getting shafted. I'm really sorry. Hang on a little longer.

reaching out

the terrible thing about communicating is that one rarely knows entirely what one is trying to say. one says something with some degree of certainty, and then that thing is handled and examined. sometimes it's thrown out (frightening when we think we really might have meant it) and sometimes it's ingested by someone we love (worrying when we think maybe we didn't, after all). certainty escapes us. even when we feel it, we are also sensible of our capacity for self-deception.

the world spins underneath and our view of the heavens changes from glance to glance. each time we try to say something true, we end up saying something about ourselves as truth-suppressors. once in awhile, if the rope bridge between meaning and saying and hearing doesn't swing too hard or (as often happens) rip apart, we might truly communicate back-and-forth with someone else. we might end up speaking and receiving truth.

if the job is so dangerous, why not find another line of work? why not write our own memoirs and then keep them to ourselves? why express ourselves at all, when it would certainly be easier to sit and watch television? we could start to measure our communications in functional terms. we could use numbers. this business of crossing chasms with ropes sounds unnecessary.

but it isn't. it's vital. it breaks our hearts and feeds our minds and teaches us to fall, the kind of falling where you roll without turning your ankle, or kick right when you hit the water to keep yourself from hitting the rocks underneath. that kind of falling enables us to be bolder and bolder. the other kind of falling, the kind that exists in our minds, charms us with the fear of broken bodies and churning pain. it paralyzes us and we become more and more hesitant to say anything real, ever.

good reminder from world relief

Today I found a job description for an opening World Relief has in the Darfur region of Sudan. (I started with a link from Russ Mask to another opening ielsewhere and then link led to link...) The job description had a nice final line: "Working hours will be structured in light of the prevailing emergency situation being addressed, and may be unsociable at times."

Unsociable. Got it.

The latest things to rise to the top of my jumbled-up life are applications to masters programs in the fields of social work and counseling. Since they're tending to stay there, I've been tending to think about where those roads might lead. For some odd reason, the websites of the schools under consideration always mention teaching, lobbying, or professional counseling as career options.

They don't often mention international peacemaking, grassroots urban renewal, or third world development. Weird, eh? To read the full description, see the extended entry.

Job Description:

BACKGROUND:
World Relief has been working in Darfur for over three years in a volatile and complex operational environment, addressing humanitarian needs amongst displaced and vulnerable communities. The program managers recognize that, underlying the humanitarian situation with which they are dealing, there are a number of inter clan and inter-tribal conflicts that impact activities and relationships on the ground, and amongst their own team members. These conflicts have numerous sources and origins, many of which are outside of the programs direct control. Nevertheless, such is the scope of the conflict in the region that World Relief feels it must support its communities, where possible, to address these issues and contribute to their resolution.

GENERAL FUNCTION:
World Relief is seeking to address these challenges by engaging an appropriate individual to lead peace building initiatives within the Darfur program.

SPECIFIC JOB DUTIES:
• Design a peace building initiative which would integrate with existing sector programming to ensure that peace building, as an approach, was taken into consideration in all humanitarian aspects of the program;
• Proactively and systematically train all existing WR Darfur staff, expatriate and local, in peace building skills and awareness, to enable them to view their work through a peace ‘lens’;
• Reach out to community and tribal leaders through seminars and workshops to educate and train on activities that would build toward improved peace and security across tribal and ethnic lines within the project area;
• Document the process and outcomes of peace building activities, including providing inputs for monthly, quarterly and annual reports;
• Develop and manage the budget associated with peace building activities;
• Support proposal development with peace building perspectives and input;
• Manage local staff dedicated to peace building activities (tbd).

KNOWLEDGE, SKILLS & ABILITIES:
• Minimum of an advanced degree in the field of development, social sciences, or peace studies, or an established record in the field of peace and reconciliation activities
• Successful candidate should have prior work history within a complex ethnic environment
• Knowledge of African peace and conflict issues preferred
• Working knowledge of Arabic
• Ability to work independently and engage in creative problem solving
• Excellent communications skills
• Previous experience conducting training is preferred.
• Ability to exhibit exemplary life style as interpreted in specific local culture context
• Able to work in a fluid and insecure area; maturity and ability to adjust to harsh living conditions
• Familiarity with project cycle management
• Strong planning and organizational skills; good ability in project planning and design
• Able to work under pressure and meet deadlines
• Proposal and project report writing skills
• Ability to manage budgets

WORK ENVIRONMENT:
The peace building coordinator will serve as a vital member of the Darfur team. The position is based in El Geneina with frequent travel to World Relief’s operational areas. Accommodation in the team compound is provided, along with meals. The position will be expected to take regular R&R breaks from the position.

Darfur is a challenging work environment, so it is expected that the successful candidate will be comfortable working in a dry, hot, climate. Further, the operating environment is extremely volatile, with security restrictions in force. Working hours will be structured in light of the prevailing emergency situation being addressed, and may be unsociable at times.

advice

two days ago i understood,
as if for the first time,
that i am unwell. let me tell you,
awareness came down
like a bucketful of water,
electrifying and unexpected,
but oh-so-liberating to say
out loud, "i am ill."
once you're wet,
you can't get wetter:
a magnificent excuse.

you can get sicker,
of course,
you can always get sicker,
more wrinkled,
and suddenly old
when you were fresh
and just fine only yesterday.
there are degrees to this,
and they can be charted.
graphed. diagnosed.
meddled-with.

but once you transgress
the border of wellness,
it doesn't matter much
how far beyond it you get,
you'll always have some wisdom
from outside the jurisdiction
of the well and the well-balanced.
souls ripen differently outside
where fewer people live,
something to do with
the washing away
of pesticides.

once you come back
(but some of us never do)
you will have
their sympathy
and some of their fear.
it might look like disdain.
don't be surprised.
they will only be trying to shrug off
the new smell of change
and their own itchy feeling
of denial. (i have
felt this way, myself.)

link of the day

crazy people in new york city organizing an arts events around a road, and a video of sufjan on a rooftop? i found it here.

proud of catherine sloper

Last night, I finished Washington Square, after picking it up six months ago on the other side of the ocean. I kept on finding it in unusual places, reading a few pages, and walking away. Until two weeks ago, when I found it (and bought it) at a Houston chain called Half Price Books.

I shop there a lot.

Anyway, the book was great, in my opinion a real gem. On the heels of finishing it, I spoke with a friend who's taking Developmental Psychology with Dr. Rulon and who recently sat through a lecture or two on gender. There's a lot that can be said about domineering men and the women who align themselves to them, in the world of Washington Square. Interestingly enough, the heroine of his book responds to this domination/alignment grid in unconventional ways. The combination of these thoughts sparked a little wildfire in my head. "Didn't James also write Daisy Miller? And The Portrait of a Lady? *gasp* I bet James uses female protagonists a LOT. And I bet there are things to be thought about it."

Almost three clicks later, I stumbled upon the Henry James section of the Literature Network. Turns out there are quite a few novels and plays he's written in which women make important and surprising decisions. I think this is going to be a part of my next big reading project.

(And what else do you think I found on this site? Wonder of wonders! Say it with me, people, the thing we've all been secretly hoping for without ever knowing it: FULLY SEARCHABLE BIBLIOGRAPHIES. Anything by a participating author, at my fingertips! So much for such desultory activities as finding a job, applying to grad schools, talking to people, eating and sleeping. I'm bound for literary overexposure. Hurrah! Say good-bye to my eyeballs!)